As I now sit on a low couch with my friends laptop located on a table a bit too low for my taste I have to admit, life is really exciting...
In my American Century class me, and the girl currently responsible for making the very soil of the earth tremble every time she utters a damn word to me, chose to make our 20 minute oral presentation on Julian Dibbels, A Rape in Cyberspace. The story tells of an incident in cyberspace, in a virtual reality named Lambdamoo and the incident, as the title gives away, is a rape in the "living room" of given virtual reality society. It debates wether or not crimes committed in cyberspace, meaning that said event did not actually take place in real life, should be punisable by a real court of law. It also asks us why people invest such emotions in a place that doesn't exist. This is clearly shown in how the characters react to the rape. They flip out and tries to kill the rapist, a lonely university kid from New York called Mr. Bungle.
The story itself is a whopper! Propably the best short story I've read in my entire life and you can imagine my surprise when I realised that A rape in cyberspace is not a work of fiction at all, it is real. The rape of four avatars did actually occur 15 years ago. That means that Lambdamoo is real...I've seen it.
I don't know why, but it scares me a little. I mean, I can't for the life of me figure out why the users back then flipped out over the rape as it did not happen, but now, it seems just that much more real and I'm beginning to understand it. That being said, it doesn't change the fact that they overreacted and a such reaction would have been much more justified today, in 2008, when computers long since have stopped working as a tool, an asset, but is functioning as an extension of the human being. These days we have Facebook and Myspaces, and before that we had those MSN Livespace things. Pictures, blogs, videos is put out there for every one to see. A big part of ourselves blending with the thoughts and ideas of others way across the planet. If someone were to rape an avatar today, with so many personal info and ideas attached, it would certainly feel real, and why we've allowed ourselves to come to this I can't figure out...
tirsdag 18. november 2008
mandag 29. september 2008
Confused
I'm confused. Really confused. In fact, I've never been more out of it in my entire life. I'm head over heels for this girl and I've no idea if she feels the same way at all. I know what you're thinking: "Oh no! Another teenager facing the real world - big deal!" Well to me it is. That's why I've named this blog "Thoughts of a ruthless nobody", I'm just another teenager - your average nextdoor guy who's after the one thing everybody else is searching for; that special someone you wake up to one morning, her sweet scent gently letting you know that today is going to be the best day of your life. Her eyes shut and her breath steady as she continues her journey into the land of dreams. Her hair messed up in a beautiful construction of the softest hair you've ever had the honour of running your fingers through. Her skin reflecting the early morning light as the blankets cling to her body.
You remember the days and nights before that when you lay lonely in bed thinking about her, how it would be like to sleep next to her. You remember the funny feeling you got when you were on your way to meet her. Every joke she made revealed your most sincere and embarassing laugh. She made it easy for you to be yourself. You continue to gaze at her till she wakes up and when she smiles at you, you declare to yourself that life doesn't get better than this.
This is what I want. This is what I think I have found. The only thing gnawing at my confidence is the not knowing if she feels remotely the same.
You remember the days and nights before that when you lay lonely in bed thinking about her, how it would be like to sleep next to her. You remember the funny feeling you got when you were on your way to meet her. Every joke she made revealed your most sincere and embarassing laugh. She made it easy for you to be yourself. You continue to gaze at her till she wakes up and when she smiles at you, you declare to yourself that life doesn't get better than this.
This is what I want. This is what I think I have found. The only thing gnawing at my confidence is the not knowing if she feels remotely the same.
onsdag 10. september 2008
Tea
It's amazing what a cup of tea can do to you, what a huge difference it makes. Just by soaking a blend of herbs in hot water my heartbeat slows down, my head clears up and yes, the world feels just a little happier. In a troubling world, a small cup of green tea & lime from Twinings of London makes all worries that cruical inch smaller.
Life at uni has gotten easier, I've become friends with a few people, got a date this Saturday, not sure if she sees it that way, but I do. Have you ever had that moment when you sort of just realize that the thing/person you've been looking your whole life is sitting right next to you, and you didn't even know it! I had met her several different times and talked to her, thinking she was awesome and really pretty. (actually smoking hot is more appropriate) She likes the same types of books, music and her whole style is just the what I've been looking for the whole time. She says the coolest of things and her wierd language is just like mine. I think I'm treading a dangerous path here, I'm setting myself up again aren't I? It's the classical story: I have a crush on a girl, I ask her on a date without knowing if she thinks it's a date too, have a great time at the movies, then doing something stupid like taking my arm around her or some gesture that reveals to her exactly how I feel and then it all goes down the drain. She explains that she's not in to me in that way or she just want to stay friends and BAM! I'm forced to spend the rest of our friendship wondering what would have happened if I had just stayed cool.
Come Sunday I'll wake up to the verdict. Can't wait.
Life at uni has gotten easier, I've become friends with a few people, got a date this Saturday, not sure if she sees it that way, but I do. Have you ever had that moment when you sort of just realize that the thing/person you've been looking your whole life is sitting right next to you, and you didn't even know it! I had met her several different times and talked to her, thinking she was awesome and really pretty. (actually smoking hot is more appropriate) She likes the same types of books, music and her whole style is just the what I've been looking for the whole time. She says the coolest of things and her wierd language is just like mine. I think I'm treading a dangerous path here, I'm setting myself up again aren't I? It's the classical story: I have a crush on a girl, I ask her on a date without knowing if she thinks it's a date too, have a great time at the movies, then doing something stupid like taking my arm around her or some gesture that reveals to her exactly how I feel and then it all goes down the drain. She explains that she's not in to me in that way or she just want to stay friends and BAM! I'm forced to spend the rest of our friendship wondering what would have happened if I had just stayed cool.
Come Sunday I'll wake up to the verdict. Can't wait.
mandag 25. august 2008
As I stare upon the fast paced race that has been my life for the past two weeks, I realize that I indeed had nothing to fear. I guess it's one of those moments when you just wake up in the middle of the night and go: " what the hell was I afraid of?"
But, I guess it's just human nature fearing the unknown, reluctant to take the famous plundge out in to the giant colourful water that is life. If you haven't been told this by anyone before; don't worry, the water is great!
Moving out and starting uni all at once was perhaps not the best idea, but it did kickstart me in to real life and away from a state of ignorance and carelessness. I still believe ignorance is bliss, but there's some things worth investigating. Every day I grow further away from my parents and it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would, standing in the hallway at home, having trouble explaining why I smelled like beer and cigarettes and why I came home hours later than I was supposed to, but again that's part of unveiling the mystery of the relationships closest to you. I see now my parents more as equals than my superiors. My mother reacted surprisingly calm about the whole moving out thing as I've mentioned before and my father did come around the next day, teaching me how to do this and that around the house. But, lately my father seems sadder or to use slightly less dramatic term, uneasy about the whole situation. When he calls I hear that the confidence and the whole "I'm your father, learn from me" tone in his voice is gone. Left is a kind of worrying and a lack of knowledge that I find quite sad to endure. I do want to tell him not to worry and that it'll be alright, but I guess he feels less in control now than he used to, perhaps I had grown up faster than he reckoned.
My mom has this whole, "phew! he turned out alright!" aura about her, radiating the second she enters the apartment and on some level that was the emotion I was hoping for. After all, I am the prototype kid in the family, the first one to explore the world. I called them this afternoon, inviting myself back home for one of my dads famous friday night tacos. I reckoned that being active and open towards them may soothe any nerves that they may have.
I strongly believe that my father has more to teach me in this life and I think he kind of lost track when I moved out, not being able to vision where I was going, silently confirming that I indeed tread the right path in this life, eventually culminating to all that I can be. I assume that this is something that all parents go through and that it feels slightly more disturbing when it's your own child that goes through the motions, especially the ones you've experienced yourself. I guess all I can do now is act as normally as I can, throwing them little hints to assure them that their work is far from done and I like to believe that it'll go appreciated, knowing in their hearts that they're not growing too old for this world. After all, isn't that a parent's worst nightmare?
But, I guess it's just human nature fearing the unknown, reluctant to take the famous plundge out in to the giant colourful water that is life. If you haven't been told this by anyone before; don't worry, the water is great!
Moving out and starting uni all at once was perhaps not the best idea, but it did kickstart me in to real life and away from a state of ignorance and carelessness. I still believe ignorance is bliss, but there's some things worth investigating. Every day I grow further away from my parents and it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would, standing in the hallway at home, having trouble explaining why I smelled like beer and cigarettes and why I came home hours later than I was supposed to, but again that's part of unveiling the mystery of the relationships closest to you. I see now my parents more as equals than my superiors. My mother reacted surprisingly calm about the whole moving out thing as I've mentioned before and my father did come around the next day, teaching me how to do this and that around the house. But, lately my father seems sadder or to use slightly less dramatic term, uneasy about the whole situation. When he calls I hear that the confidence and the whole "I'm your father, learn from me" tone in his voice is gone. Left is a kind of worrying and a lack of knowledge that I find quite sad to endure. I do want to tell him not to worry and that it'll be alright, but I guess he feels less in control now than he used to, perhaps I had grown up faster than he reckoned.
My mom has this whole, "phew! he turned out alright!" aura about her, radiating the second she enters the apartment and on some level that was the emotion I was hoping for. After all, I am the prototype kid in the family, the first one to explore the world. I called them this afternoon, inviting myself back home for one of my dads famous friday night tacos. I reckoned that being active and open towards them may soothe any nerves that they may have.
I strongly believe that my father has more to teach me in this life and I think he kind of lost track when I moved out, not being able to vision where I was going, silently confirming that I indeed tread the right path in this life, eventually culminating to all that I can be. I assume that this is something that all parents go through and that it feels slightly more disturbing when it's your own child that goes through the motions, especially the ones you've experienced yourself. I guess all I can do now is act as normally as I can, throwing them little hints to assure them that their work is far from done and I like to believe that it'll go appreciated, knowing in their hearts that they're not growing too old for this world. After all, isn't that a parent's worst nightmare?
søndag 10. august 2008
Writers Block
So where is it? My inspiration. Soon, I'm starting my literature studies and my creativity must be peaking every day. So why isn't it? God knows I want to write something and I have, only it's hard to finish something you eventually see it for what it truly is; garbage, real life stinking garbage. Of course you don't notice before you've spent several hours on it, wasted your energy and thrown away any chance for a date or at least a party. It's right then, when you print out the first draft, or at least half of it, you see the outlines of your own inadequate work. What do you do? You discard it. Throw it away and get it out of your system. Think fresh, get out in the world again, search for the next inspirational fix that'll nail you infront of the computer screen. High on caffeine and nictoine or your own substance of choice, you type it out, the characters, the plot, the twists and turns. You allow yourself no space for error, no mispelling can go unedited. As you print out the first draft you notice right away how poorly written the first chapter is and it follows you down page after page till the disapointment and defeat is reality.
This is where I'm at. The disapointment and the defeat is all too present now. In fact, they're looking over my shoulder now, like two evil twins. Those of you who've been through the same thing might identify the horrid disease I currently am suffering from; writer's block. My written being is shaking, my vision is blurred, my muse has taken a vacation. Like I said he could. But, I must admit that I'd rather be abandoned now than in the middle of exams or worse. I guess I have to power through it. Shoot first, ask later.
This is where I'm at. The disapointment and the defeat is all too present now. In fact, they're looking over my shoulder now, like two evil twins. Those of you who've been through the same thing might identify the horrid disease I currently am suffering from; writer's block. My written being is shaking, my vision is blurred, my muse has taken a vacation. Like I said he could. But, I must admit that I'd rather be abandoned now than in the middle of exams or worse. I guess I have to power through it. Shoot first, ask later.
mandag 4. august 2008
Music for the rails
This summer myself and two friends decided to go backpacking around Europe. Just a two and a half week adventure out and about where ever we wanted. Amsterdam-Paris-Geneve-Lucca-Dusseldorf.
There is no underestemating the value of the experiences you aquire on such a trip and how quickly you bond with fellow backpackers you meet during long waiting hours at Amsterdam Central Station or in a sleeping compartment too small to fit a regular couch. My advice: Get yourself out there! Go backpacking across Europe, see the sights, meet the people, grow wiser.
To go along, here's a tracklisting of a CD I burned the day before take-off. If you do decide to backpack, do not forget this record of glory and magnificence:
01. Take a bow - Muse
02. Hunting for witches - Bloc Party
03. Devil In a Midnight Mass - Billy Talent
04. Beautiful World - Coldplay
05. Michael - Franz Ferdinand
06. Taylor - Jack Johnson
07. Diner - Martin Sexton
08. Supermassive Black Hole live at Wembley - Muse
09. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
10. Interlude - Muse
11. Hysteria - Muse
12. Knights of Cydonia live at Wembley - Muse
There is no denying its brilliance. Not this CD. Maybe you can talk down A Weekend In The City by Bloc Party - let's face it, the magic of Silent Alarm was totally gone! But, my CD which I've named "Music for the rails" simply because it was meant for the world. Try listening to this one in your room or perhaps in your car, doesn't work! But, once the hour grows late and its getting heavier just to hold your eyes open and your travelling mates are fast asleep in the seats next to you as the French countryside is flashing by you outside the window, then this CD will send you to heaven and back again. (even if you don't believe in heaven, this works wonders!)
Alas, you might not care for compliations and who's to blame you? I mean - it's the albums that counts, right?
Try these ones:
Black Holes & Revelations - Muse
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
We sing, We dance, We steal things - Jason Mraz
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
Led Zeppelin II - Led Zeppelin
Billy Talent II - Billy Talent
Garden State Soundtrack - Various artists. Great movie, great music.
I'm off - down my holy basement which have been my shelter for many years. The thought of the abuse it has to take as a result of my siblings hanging there after I'm gone - it curls my toes. No basement should have to take such a beating. Better salvage the last moments while I can. My little sister and little brother have already started using the room more frequently.
May God be with us...
There is no underestemating the value of the experiences you aquire on such a trip and how quickly you bond with fellow backpackers you meet during long waiting hours at Amsterdam Central Station or in a sleeping compartment too small to fit a regular couch. My advice: Get yourself out there! Go backpacking across Europe, see the sights, meet the people, grow wiser.
To go along, here's a tracklisting of a CD I burned the day before take-off. If you do decide to backpack, do not forget this record of glory and magnificence:
01. Take a bow - Muse
02. Hunting for witches - Bloc Party
03. Devil In a Midnight Mass - Billy Talent
04. Beautiful World - Coldplay
05. Michael - Franz Ferdinand
06. Taylor - Jack Johnson
07. Diner - Martin Sexton
08. Supermassive Black Hole live at Wembley - Muse
09. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
10. Interlude - Muse
11. Hysteria - Muse
12. Knights of Cydonia live at Wembley - Muse
There is no denying its brilliance. Not this CD. Maybe you can talk down A Weekend In The City by Bloc Party - let's face it, the magic of Silent Alarm was totally gone! But, my CD which I've named "Music for the rails" simply because it was meant for the world. Try listening to this one in your room or perhaps in your car, doesn't work! But, once the hour grows late and its getting heavier just to hold your eyes open and your travelling mates are fast asleep in the seats next to you as the French countryside is flashing by you outside the window, then this CD will send you to heaven and back again. (even if you don't believe in heaven, this works wonders!)
Alas, you might not care for compliations and who's to blame you? I mean - it's the albums that counts, right?
Try these ones:
Black Holes & Revelations - Muse
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
We sing, We dance, We steal things - Jason Mraz
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
Led Zeppelin II - Led Zeppelin
Billy Talent II - Billy Talent
Garden State Soundtrack - Various artists. Great movie, great music.
I'm off - down my holy basement which have been my shelter for many years. The thought of the abuse it has to take as a result of my siblings hanging there after I'm gone - it curls my toes. No basement should have to take such a beating. Better salvage the last moments while I can. My little sister and little brother have already started using the room more frequently.
May God be with us...
So guess what - I'm moving out
Yep. It's official. I'm spreading my wings and leaving the nest. It only took me the better half of nineteen years to finally have the guts to do it, even though I'm scared shitless just by thinking of it. I'm gonna be living with two of my best friends for roughly seven months and it's gonna be awesome!
Ignore that last outburst. The whole "it's gonna be awesome" part. It's totally true, I just hate that sentence. No matter who says the worlds most disgusting combination of four words, you always sound like a drunken jock at a frat party.
All my life I've been on a constant search of this book called "Guide to how to live your life - so you don't have to think so much", and guess what; it doesn't exist! It's not waiting for you at your nightstand when you come home from a date so you can open it right up on chapter forty-five: "What to do after the perfect date". Don't pretend you wouldn't want a copy if this book actually did exist. Everybody does. Imagine being in a really uncomfortable situation, like when you run in to your ex on a date. Wouldn't it be fantastic just to flip open the worlds greatest self-help book and know instantly exactly what to say or do? Even though I know that there is no such book, I still catch myself wishing for it, especially when I decided to move out. No one prepared me for the tons of things you have to get done, although I probably should have seen it coming, like dude! you're moving out! it's not gonna be easy.
The hardest part was telling my parents and the circumstances was probably not the best: we hadn't seen eachother for almost four weeks because of our holiday's being on different dates and locations. So, the day I got home the entire family sat out on the veranda playing the worlds coolest timekiller: yatzy. After spending hours telling stories from my vacation mom started getting serious about what should happen when I started uni. How I should contribute more to the family and how I should abandon my own social life and the best part - she'd be there the entire time to make sure it happened. I was sat there staring down my glass of red wine thinking "You don't have a clue". When she started her copyrighted rant about how I had wasted all my money on things that didn't matter and how my friends had had a bad influence on my this past year I simply let it slip:
"So guess what - I'm moving out..."
If I did possess the ability to go back in time and change things, the first thing I would do would be to stop Michael Jordan from ever retiring, stop George Bush jr. from ever entering politics, maybe convince Britney Spears to stay a virgin because let's face it - as soon as she lost her virtue it all went down the drain. And then I'd stop myself from telling them I was moving out right after my mom saying "You'll never make it on your own." It did make me look as if I was moving out of pure spite. Altough it did feel extremely good finally winning an argument against my mom. She's not twenty anymore, but I swear to God - she's quicker than Chris Rock.
My point is, even though there is no such thing as "Guide to how to live your life" book, it sure would be nice to have someone there for me in that very awkward situation. What does one do/say after telling your parents that you're moving out? In case you're wondering this yourself, don't do what I did, ask for more wine then ramble on about what you just learned on your guitar.
My mom totally freaked and started asking all these questions about her doing a lousy job as a mother or if I was gay. It's hard enough to defend your heterosexuality and convince your own mother that she didn't fail with you. My dad however took it the easiest. He just said I wouldn't make it and left. Don't worry - the day after he said he'd help me make my rent the first month.
The only thing that bothers me now is that unholy nervousness waking me up every day way too early, staring me right in the face going: "You're not gonna make it" But, the hell with it, at least I moved out, right? Doesn't matter if it's not gonna be tough and my days will probably be filled with reading heavy english literature, worrying about making rent and busting my ass of getting a girlfriend. Basically, living life as it is.
Can't wait..
Ignore that last outburst. The whole "it's gonna be awesome" part. It's totally true, I just hate that sentence. No matter who says the worlds most disgusting combination of four words, you always sound like a drunken jock at a frat party.
All my life I've been on a constant search of this book called "Guide to how to live your life - so you don't have to think so much", and guess what; it doesn't exist! It's not waiting for you at your nightstand when you come home from a date so you can open it right up on chapter forty-five: "What to do after the perfect date". Don't pretend you wouldn't want a copy if this book actually did exist. Everybody does. Imagine being in a really uncomfortable situation, like when you run in to your ex on a date. Wouldn't it be fantastic just to flip open the worlds greatest self-help book and know instantly exactly what to say or do? Even though I know that there is no such book, I still catch myself wishing for it, especially when I decided to move out. No one prepared me for the tons of things you have to get done, although I probably should have seen it coming, like dude! you're moving out! it's not gonna be easy.
The hardest part was telling my parents and the circumstances was probably not the best: we hadn't seen eachother for almost four weeks because of our holiday's being on different dates and locations. So, the day I got home the entire family sat out on the veranda playing the worlds coolest timekiller: yatzy. After spending hours telling stories from my vacation mom started getting serious about what should happen when I started uni. How I should contribute more to the family and how I should abandon my own social life and the best part - she'd be there the entire time to make sure it happened. I was sat there staring down my glass of red wine thinking "You don't have a clue". When she started her copyrighted rant about how I had wasted all my money on things that didn't matter and how my friends had had a bad influence on my this past year I simply let it slip:
"So guess what - I'm moving out..."
If I did possess the ability to go back in time and change things, the first thing I would do would be to stop Michael Jordan from ever retiring, stop George Bush jr. from ever entering politics, maybe convince Britney Spears to stay a virgin because let's face it - as soon as she lost her virtue it all went down the drain. And then I'd stop myself from telling them I was moving out right after my mom saying "You'll never make it on your own." It did make me look as if I was moving out of pure spite. Altough it did feel extremely good finally winning an argument against my mom. She's not twenty anymore, but I swear to God - she's quicker than Chris Rock.
My point is, even though there is no such thing as "Guide to how to live your life" book, it sure would be nice to have someone there for me in that very awkward situation. What does one do/say after telling your parents that you're moving out? In case you're wondering this yourself, don't do what I did, ask for more wine then ramble on about what you just learned on your guitar.
My mom totally freaked and started asking all these questions about her doing a lousy job as a mother or if I was gay. It's hard enough to defend your heterosexuality and convince your own mother that she didn't fail with you. My dad however took it the easiest. He just said I wouldn't make it and left. Don't worry - the day after he said he'd help me make my rent the first month.
The only thing that bothers me now is that unholy nervousness waking me up every day way too early, staring me right in the face going: "You're not gonna make it" But, the hell with it, at least I moved out, right? Doesn't matter if it's not gonna be tough and my days will probably be filled with reading heavy english literature, worrying about making rent and busting my ass of getting a girlfriend. Basically, living life as it is.
Can't wait..
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